Ode to the I.D. Channel.

I’ve gone out on several Dates From Hell in the past,
But I almost had a Fatal Encounter with this man I met in the grocery store.
His name was Craig and he seemed like a nice guy…at first. He was smart, sweet, and charming.
But I would soon learn he had a Dark Mind, and withheld many Sins & Secidrets.
We dated for a year, then he asked me to marry him. I happily said, “Yes!”
Not soon after I said, “I do,” he flipped and changed on me.
I couldn’t go anywhere, have any friends, he was jealous and possessive, and constantly paranoid that someone was after him.
One day, after he went to work, I was putting some boxes on the top shelf in the closet, when I came across a shoe box he had hidden in the corner.
My curiosity got the best of me, and I opened it.
What I found inside shocked me.
There were several newspaper clippings of women…some who had been killed, and some who had simply Disappeared.
There were also obituaries of the dead women, along with wedding license’s & photos and wedding bands.
Suddenly, I felt a cold chill on the back of my neck.
Had he Stolen their Voices and Buried his Secrets?
These poor women had taken Fatal Vows with the devil.
I asked myself, Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry?
“Honey, I’m home,” I heard him say from downstairs.
Panicked, I put everything back in the box and put it back on the shelf, then hastily made my way to find him.
“Hey, beautiful; did you miss me?”
Hell nah, you psycho, I thought. I needed to get the hell out of dodge, before this Very Bad Man killed me next.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake all night, thinking about Surviving Evil.
When he left for work the next morning, I packed my bags and bounced. I stayed at a friend’s house until I could figure out what to do next. I didn’t tell her why I left him, just that I needed to get away for a while.
I got scared when he started blowing up my phone, demanding to know where I was at.
I said, “You’re a killer, and I don’t want to be married to you anymore. I’m going to court in the morning, and file for an annulment.”
He said, “Why you wanna leave me? Don’t you know I’d Kill For You. I’d rather die than live without you.”
That’s when I really knew he was crazy.
My home girl looked at me like I was crazy as I went and closed all the blinds and turned out all the lights in her house.
The next day, I had to go to the grocery store to get some food and the whole time I was in there, I felt Stalked: Someone’s Watching me.
My phone rang. “Hello?”
“You look really pretty today?” the familiar voice on the other end said.
It’s him. Panicked, I looked around, trying to find him.
“I can see you, but you can’t see me. I don’t want to cause a scene in the store, but please talk to me.”
I was paranoid as hell. I’m about to become his next victim if I don’t do something.
I went to the police station and asked to speak to the Homicide Hunter. I told him I had some information on some missing women.
He pulled out a manila folder that had Swamp Murders written on it.
“Do any of these women look like the women you saw on those photos in his closet?”
I started crying because I recognized them.
“He’s going to kill me and throw me in the swamp too.”
“He seemed like an Unusual Suspect at first, but I have thought he killed them for a long time. We’ll get him, but you have wear a wire and go back home and get him to confess. Just act normal and we’ll be close by.”
“Go back in that House of Horrors? The hell I will.”
“Just trust us. We won’t let anything happen to you.”
I feared going home and Facing Evil, but it had to be done.
He met me at the door and tried to hug me, but I pushed him away.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked with a confused look on his face.
“I know what you’re up to. I saw the box with the women’s pictures in the closet, and I know you killed them and threw them in the swamp,” I said as I walked into the kitchen. He followed me in there. “You’re probably thinking, ‘I (Almost) Got Away With It),’ but you might as well turn yourself in, because the police are coming for you.”
I grabbed one of the butcher’s knives out of the drawer and said, “You ain’t gonna kill me. I’m one of those Wives With Knives who won’t mind cutting your ass.”
He just stood there and looked at me like I was crazy. Then, he started laughing like a madman. “You got it all wrong. I didn’t kill anybody.”
“Yes you did; you ain’t got to lie, Craig.”
“No, it was my Evil Twin brother who killed those women.”
Just then, my phone rang and I answered it. It was the Homicide Hunter telling me that my husband’s twin brother was the real killer, and they had him in custody, and he’d already confessed to everything.
Here I was, blaming the wrong person and threatening to stab him with a knife. “I’m sorry,” I said, embarrassed.
“It’s okay; my brother and I are Blood Relatives, but we’re nothing alike.”
So, the case was Solved, and all was well…for now. But as I dosed off to sleep, I wondered why he had the box in the closet if his brother did it.